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The Top 2 Problems in Relationships & How to Solve Them

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Relationships are what ultimately bring most value and worth to our lives. This is true for both our personal life as well as in business.

No matter what we’ve managed to achieve, learn or accumulate, it’s essentially our relationships and interactions that define our experience.

Sooner or later we will come to realize they have the most impact on our feelings of contentment.

 

Personal relationships

 

Imagine yourself in your last moments, will you really be thinking about how well you did at your job, that you made it onto that property ladder or what an expert you are, having gained all those qualifications?

How bothered would you be about any of those if there was no one next to you holding your hand or no memories of loving moments?

 

 

In business

 

In business, it’s also all about connection – whether with customers, colleagues, partners or investors.
You might be very good at what you do, but if you aren’t communicating well and people aren’t receiving your message or resonating with you on a more emotional level, they simply won’t have much interest in interacting or working with you.

 

What we want in our relationships

 

So we all want to experience satisfying and joyful, or if talking about business – productive relationships.

What makes them satisfying is a personal question which depends on your own beliefs and past experiences.

But you want to feel loved, accepted, appreciated, or valued in some kind of way.

 

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Whether consciously or not, you also want to give, to feel the value of life in sharing your world or your passion through more genuine & meaningful communication.

So for relationships to be truly rewarding, you want to be able to express yourself fully and truthfully as you can; authentically and freely, comfortably being yourself.

 

So if we all want these same things, why are relationships often so complicated?

 

1. Fear

 

Our old time favourite intruder. This is most often more subconscious.

Because you want to be accepted, approved of or loved, you fear what the other might think of you.

You fear their judgement and reaction.

You fear expressing your truth, exposing your real self.

You fear showing or feeling vulnerability.

You fear being misunderstood, rejected or ridiculed.

 

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You fear the unknown or uncertainty – what would happen if you did or said this or that, or what the future might hold as a result.

You might fear failures or successes.

The list goes on…

JUST BE YOURSELF is in fact one of people’s biggest insecurities.

Sure, sometimes you’re trying to ‘fit in’. But then even if you ‘succeed’ at being accepted or included, this brings a level of discomfort.

This is because trying to constantly maintain a made-up persona, you’d be working very hard and you’d quickly either run out of resources or create lots of frustration.

 

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2. Wanting to control

 

It’s because of this fear, that you want to control the other to make sure that you or your future are safe.

Yep, it’s not just their annoying habits you might want to change, you also want them to provide you with security.

You might want to change their beliefs you disagree with.  That way you’d feel more comfortable having that confirmation that indeed yours are the ‘right’ or true ones to have.

You want them to say certain things or behave in ways you expect so that the future is less threatening.

You want to control the way they think, feel and react.

You approve of the other when they make you feel approved of yourself.

You want them to satisfy your needs and to fit in with your likes and wishes.

“Selfishness is not living your life as you wish to live it. Selfishness is wanting others to live their lives as you wish them to.”
~ Oscar Wilde ~

Truth is though…

 

You will NEVER be in control of anyone else’s experience

 

No matter how much you want or try to.

And this only causes your own frustration and suffering. You’re unhappy not because of them, but because of your own expectations – because you want them to be somehow different.

 

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The vicious cycle

 

It’s because of your expectations & wanting to control, that you create conditions which bring in even more fear.

You create more fear in the other, and as a result – in you too.

This is because you’re now limiting or judging their behaviour, opinions or choices according to your needs. You are not allowing them to be fully themselves – essentially rejecting them as they are.

So of course in turn they either fear you more or want more control over you.

They might judge or limit you even more, not allowing you to be fully yourself, resulting in even more fear and frustration within you…

So what do you then do in turn…? I think you can see where this is going.

Before you know it, you’re stuck in a loop. The more you disapprove of another, the more disapproval you also feel.

 

By Eran Mendel

 

So what can you do?

 

First, you need to recognise the fear and the ways you’ve been acting on it.

You have to be dead-honest with yourself without blaming the other.

Ask yourself: ‘When do or did I not allow them to think / feel / do / say what they did or be exactly as they are’?

Asking these questions will help you to start allowing them to have their own experience and want to control them less.

I’m not saying you should never disagree with anyone, their opinions or actions. But you’ll soon develop the ability to disagree yet still accept.

I’m also not suggesting you should just accept anything – any harm or abuse.

In situations like this, you should decide whether the relationship is healthy or productive to you as it is, or whether it’s best to let it go altogether.

I’m also not saying you should stop encouraging self-improvement in another.

In a healthy relationship, we do inspire each other to learn and develop. But you need to be careful with this and be aware of whether you’re doing this for them or because of your own needs or wants.

You must also fully accept the possibility that this perceived improvement may not happen.

So instead of putting any blame or pressure on them, simply decide if you’d like to stay in that place with them or walk away if it doesn’t suit you.

 

The fearless cycle

 

Allowing others to be as they are means that you too no longer need to be approved by anyone else or their behaviour. More acceptance of others = more accepting of yourself too.

And now that you’re no longer trying to control the other and allow them to be as they are, you’ll soon find they reciprocate and allow you the same.

You’ll be more sharing and giving, instead of wanting or needing. Whether personally or in business, you’ll be acting more out of passion rather than a desire to have – and this will be more attractive to the other.

This also creates a natural motivation to be more considerate or responsive to each other’s needs.

It creates a positive loop.

And regardless of where the relationship leads to, you feel more fulfilled & confident about youself and where you’re going – with or without them…

If the relationship grows even more – great. If not, you can more easily let go, knowing it simply wasn’t right for you.

This leaves you with a sense of freedom to move on, open to new people & opportunities!

 

Relationship issues

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The bigger picture…

 

Our relationships with ourself and each other determine our relationship with the whole of our experience.

By learning to allow the other to be just the way they are, you can then gradually learn to allow other things, events, experiences and generally the world to be AS IT IS.

Not to say we should kick back, relax and watch as we head towards doom. But we can learn to take action while accepting at the same time.

With less resistance or wanting to control, we’ll enjoy more peace, freedom and contentment. And we’d be spreading more of that good stuff all around.

If we become free of these limitations on a smaller scale in our daily interactions, we could begin to experience a BIG leap forward in our perception and participation in the whole of reality…

Making more progress with less suffering.

So maybe we can start here.

 

“As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I’m totally flexible!”
~ Unknown ~

 

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12 Signs you’ve got high self-worth

Maya Zack | Peak performance specialist, mindset coach & hypnotherapist for women in biz

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I help ambitious online biz owners who struggle with confidence or feel stuck, using unique tools to get them unstuck & into action!

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7 Comments

  1. Ree

    Well written Maya. Wise words indeed. I have had much experience of fear in relationships. Because of grief from losing people close to me. But also from not looking after myself right. When i first had a proper break and went through life on my own for a while i remembered that i am a whole being that can survive on her own. Rediscovered my own strengths and new strengths and also had some healing time. To understand and forgive others aswell as myself. Changing the cycle i was trapped in. Unfortunately we live in a very media driven world which i believe programmes us to think we are not good enough etc…but we also give ourselves a hard time. We dont always nurture ourselves properly, which admittedly we may need to learn over time because we havn’t been shown a healthy way of doing so maybe. But it all makes us who we are. As soon as we respect, believe and love ourselves better i agree that only then our relationships can improve.

    Reply
  2. Ree

    …and just to add. It feels scary sometimes the idea of ‘letting go’ of the control. To not try and hold on to what we love/want or need. But to let go is the most freeing feeling in the world. Your perspective changes so much. Everything is possible. What is right for you/and what is wrong for you and what is real around you will show itself so much clearer when you do so. That is what i experienced. Throught one of the hardest lonely times i came thru the other side to have that feeling. It was scary and isolating but worth it. It took away all the fear of being alone. Made me make peace with myself. Got more intune with the world around me. Brought happiness and excitement and relief. Of knowing the world was a chaotic place with many wonderfull and tragic things occuring. and accepting that reality. But a huge relief to not use up all my energy to try and control the chaos which ultimately is impossible. It just makes your worse case scenario happen if anything. People need to focus on what they do want…attract and give out the positive energy that we all need to live and grow in a healthy way.

    Reply
  3. Tayler

    What a great blog

    Reply
    • Andrea

      If I communaicted I could thank you enough for this, I’d be lying.

      Reply
    • Maya Zack

      Thank you! 🙂

      Reply
  4. Marilyn

    I don’t even know what to say, this made things so much eaiser!

    Reply

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